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Top 6 Worst Songs of 2010 (I Didn't Already Cover)
(Todd plays Eminem ft. Rihanna - "Love the Way You Lie" on his piano. Text appears reading: WORST SONGS OF 2010 (...?) A year-end review) Todd: Hey, everybody! Guess who's back! And in widescreen, baby! Hey, everyone. It's been awhile, it's good to be back. I know it's...been a little longer than usual since I released a video. It was the Christmas season, wanted to take some time off, recharge a little, focus on my own life a bit. Also I contracted MRSA. Montage of pictures include young boy with description of MRSA, a doctor and nurse working on a patient, another nurse giving a shot, and image of a scalpel cutting a bump. The song is Massive Attack - "Teardrop", best known as the opening theme of ''House '' Todd (VO): Yeah, Todd In The Shadows was Todd In The Hospital this Christmas. I spent most of the holiday season fighting off a potentially life-threatening illness. I had about nine different drugs administered to me in about four different spots of my body, plus a CAT scan, plus a horrible procedure which I'm not even going to go into the details of. Trust me, it sucked. Todd: So as I was lying there, IV pumping into my arm, and later recuperating at my parents' house for a week, I was thinking, how did I want to send off 2010? Last year, I did a Top 10 Worst list, but I took a look at Billboard's Top 100 Hits of this year, and if I were to make a completely honest list—and I have no intention of doing otherwise—it would probably look something like this. Video clips with countdown #5. Sean Kingston & Justin Bieber - "Eenie Meenie" #4. David Guetta ft. Akon - "Sexy Bitch" #3. Young Money ft. Lloyd - "BedRock" #2. Ke$ha ft. 3OH!3 - "BlahBlahBlah" #1. Chris Brown ft. Tyga & Kevin McCall - "Deuces" Todd (VO): Yeah, Chris Brown would've been #1, surprise, surprise. Todd: Now obviously, I've already reviewed all these songs, and I'm not particularly interested in repeating myself. But I feel like there's still so much I didn't get to cover over the past year. So, in lieu of an official Worst of 2010 list, I'm gonna take a crack at all the songs which I missed over the course of 2010. Now keep in mind, if I were making an official Worst list this year, all of these songs could've made it on there. So here we go, that's our premise for today. We're counting down... Video clip of Cee-Lo Green - "Fuck You", which serves as the interlude through the countdown Cee-Lo Green: I'm like, fuck you... Todd (VO): The Top 6 Worst Hit Songs of 2010 (That I Did Not Already Review). Cee-Lo Green: Fuck you and fuck her too Todd (VO): #6 Video for...wait for it... Enrique Iglesias: Girl please excuse me If I’m coming too strong But tonight is the night... Todd: Really? This guy's still around? #6. Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull- "I Like It" Enrique Iglesias: Baby I like it The way you move on the floor Baby I like it Todd: Good for you, Enrique, but I don't. And I didn't review this song because I never was able to quite place why I didn't like it. Todd (VO): I mean, it doesn't do a whole lot outwardly wrong, it's got a nice chorus, it's bouncy enough, and, in fact, I know a lot of people who said this song was one of the few pop songs they could actually tolerate this year. Todd: And that's all well and good, but as for me, I despised this song utterly from the very first moment I heard it. Enrique Iglesias: My girlfriend's out of town And I’m all alone Todd (VO): I'm not sure if I even have any coherent criticism of this song. I mean, it's shallow and plastic and encourages cheating on your girlfriend, but that also describes a number of songs I do like, so that's not it. Todd: But I do have a couple observations, I guess I'd call them. The first of which is, and I'm not trying to be offensive here, but Enrique sounds incredibly gay on this. Enrique Iglesias: high-pitched Don’t stop baby, don’t stop baby Todd (VO): Whenever I hear this song, all I can imagine is him bouncing around like George Michael back when he was in Wham! As music plays, it is intercut with bits from Wham! - "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" Oh yes I like it! Screaming like never before Baby I like it! Todd: They sampled Lionel Richie... Lionel Richie: Party, Karamu, Fiesta... Todd: ...and it's Enrique who sounds less manly in comparison. Amazing. Enrique Iglesias: No oh oh, oh oh No one can do the things I’m gonna wanna do to you Todd: Including Enrique. He can't do them either, he just wants to. Todd (VO): Oh no no no, wait. I know where this song really comes apart. Right...here. Pitbull: Come DJ..That’s my dj. Todd (VO): In a world that contains both the Black Eyed Peas and Soulja Boy, I can't call Pitbull quite the worst rapper currently working, but my God. Todd: I don't think I've heard him spit two lines that weren't either inane, non-punchlines, gratuitous Spanish, or references to other better rappers. Pitbull: Come DJ..That’s my dj. Clip from Lil Wayne - "Go DJ" Lil Wayne: Go DJ, that's my DJ Pitbull: ...get me in DC Let’s party on the White House lawn Tiger Woods times Jesse James Equals Pitbull all night long Todd: Brilliant. When you write a song about having fun away from your girlfriend, please include references to men whose lives were utterly destroyed because they cheated on their wives, you numbnuts. Pitbull: Pick up Barack and Michelle, let 'em know that it’s on Todd: By all means, someone contact Barack and Michelle so that they can pass that message along to the Secret Service. Todd (VO): Snipers in position, we have a clear shot. Over. Todd: Pitbull—he makes the good songs go bad, and the bad songs get worse. Moving on. Interlude Todd (VO): #5. Video of...wait for it... Todd: Now here's a weird thing. I actually liked this song the first time I heard it. Todd (VO): R&B song driven by actual guitar? Awesome. Catchy melody? Great. Song by J.R. Rotem not built around a horribly used sample? Wonderful. Todd: I was totally on-board with this song. Jason Derülo: You'll see a side of love you've never known. Todd: Three months later, I could not stand it. Not even a little. #5. Jason Derülo - "In My Head" Jason Derülo: In my head, I see you all over me. In my head Todd: What was it that I could no longer take? Who do I blame for the fact that this song soured on me so quickly? Jason Derülo: Jason Derülo Todd: Oh, right. Yes, behind the catchy production and the decent melody, we still have to deal with the mega-talentless man they call Derülo. Jason Derülo: You ain't gonna find a dance with him. No. Oh. Todd (VO): Like a lot of artists today, Jason Derülo's career is entirely dependent on Auto-Tune; but whereas artists like T-Pain and, yes, Ke$ha use Auto-Tune to enhance their personalities, all it does for Derülo is highlight his lack thereof. Todd: I mean, there's a reason why Jason Derülo sings his name at the beginning of every song he does—it's because there is no earthly way you would be able to remember who sang it otherwise. Todd (VO): Fresh off of proving he sucked at apologies in "Whatcha Say", Derülo also proved he sucked at pickup lines with "In My Head". In my line of work as a bad song reviewer, I've come across dozens, maybe hundreds, of bad pickup lines; and I would not dare to sort through them and pick the worst. However, telling a girl "I'm totally having dirty thoughts about you right now" has to rank pretty high. Jason Derülo: In my head, I see you all over me. In my head, you fulfill my fantasy. Todd: "In my head, you fulfill my fantasy," is only a line that works on women who are attracted to your pathetically desperate loneliness and utter lack of social skills. It's a statement that's more sad than anything. Jason Derülo: Get down to business let's skip foreplay. Todd: "Yes," Derülo boldly announces, "I do not like foreplay." What women could resist? Jason Derülo: Some dudes know all the right things to say. When it comes down to it, it's all just game. Todd (VO): So, by implication, ladies, you should get with Derülo—a man who has never said any of the rights thing and has no game at all. Todd: Oh, and another hint for the fellas, straight from Derülo to you—if you really want to impress girls, end every line with a confused yelp. bits of Jason Derülo yelping at the end of each line Ay-oh! Todd (VO): In the race to replace Chris Brown, Jason Derülo is in the lead with three hits, a fact which is utterly baffling to me. He can't sing live, I doubt his fans can even identify what he even looks like. Todd: He sucks, his singing sucks, his song sucks. Ay-oh! Interlude Todd (VO): #4. Video for #4. Cali Swag District - "Teach Me How to Dougie" Cali Swag District: Teach me how to dougie Teach me how to dougie Teach me how to dougie Teach me how to dougie Todd (VO): Ah yes, the Dougie. The dance craze that's sweeping the nation. Todd: Is it? I...I don't know. I haven't been to a junior prom in a while—not since they beefed up security around here. I don't know if... Todd (VO): ...doing the Dougie's actually a thing or not. Maybe it's this huge, popular trend out there on the dance floor, but...you know what? I doubt it. of... The Twist, the Hustle, the Macarena. Those are dance crazes. The Soulja Boy, the Stanky Leg, and the Dougie are not. Todd: I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Let me put it like this. "Teach Me How to Dougie" does not make me want to dance. It certainly doesn't make me want to do the Dougie or learn how to do the Dougie. Todd (VO): You wanna know how you know it's bad? They don't even teach you how to do the Dougie. Todd: You know, I don't demand that dance songs include the steps involved, but the name of the song is "Teach Me How to Dougie." It fails to deliver in a very serious way. As far as instructions go, this is all you get. Cali Swag District: Put your arms out front, lean side to side They gonna be on you when they see you hit that dougie right Todd: So according to the song, as far as I know, demonstrates this is doing the Dougie. I don't know, there's gotta be more to it than that. "Dougie Instructional Video" Lil Wil: two guys behind him You ready to make your move? It goes like this. hand to back of his head My dougie, right hand my dougie, actions my dougie, my dougie the collar I'm fresh, behind again my dougie, again I'm fresh out at side Fly like a motherfucker My dougie, my dougie, my dougie Real, real simple; real, real easy, man Todd: That's it? Okay, apparently, I am wrong. That is all there is to it. That's a Dougie. Todd (VO): And that's not even close to what they said in the song either. Cali Swag District: Females be stuck to me, I think they tryin' to glue me Todd: The entire song is how much tail you'll get if you can master the Dougie, and that's all you have to do? Doesn't take a lot to impress girls these days, I guess. Interlude Todd (VO): #3. Video for... Kid: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you OneRepublic. Todd: Oh, I'm not gonna make any fans for this one. #3. OneRepublic - "All the Right Moves" OneRepublic: All the right friends in all the right places So yeah, we're going down Todd (VO): OneRepublic is one of those bands that either you like them or you don't care about them. Even for the number of hits they've had, they don't really attract that much attention. Even I'm surprised this is on the list at all, let alone so high. Todd: Granted, I've never liked a single song they've ever released. The music of OneRepublic isn't as pretty [image of ''Parachutes cover]as Coldplay, it's not as ''Open emotionally intense as Snow Patrol, and it's not as comfortable to Save a Life as the Fray. On top of that, all of their songs are awfully samey-sounding. Clip from video for Kelly Clarkson - "Already Gone" Todd (VO): In fact, frontman Ryan Tedder writes music for other pop stars, and they also all sound exactly the same, news article: "Think Kelly Clarkson's 'Already Gone' Sounds Like Beyonce's 'Halo?' So Does Kelly..." occasionally to the point of controversy. Todd: But no, OneRepublic does not really rank high on the outrage meter. So what made me put "All the Right Moves" on here? One reason—this is the only song on the list, or, for that matter, the only song I've ever reviewed, that I have never voluntarily listened to all the way through. Think about that. Clip from "Imma Be" Todd (VO): Every other song I have ever reviewed—including a few much worse than this—I listened to dozens of times. But this song makes me change the station instantly, and what that probably means is that this song is terrible to me in a not particularly interesting way. Todd: I'm sure some people are gonna say, "no way, you couldn't possibly hate this more than 'Like a G6' or 'OMG'," but I do. Todd (VO): Absolutely nothing about this song works for me—none of the elements seem to match, I don't know why they used a drum beat lifted from what sounds like a Chemical Brothers song or why they allowed Ryan Tedder to spread his horrible falsetto all over the song like so much spoiled mayonnaise. Ugh! from "Apologize" and "Secrets" And at least their other songs built their choruses out of a strong sentiment. I mean, I can feel a lyric like, "it's too late to apologize," or, "I'm gonna give my secrets away". OneRepublic: All the right friends and all the right faces, so, yeah, we're going down. Todd: "All the right friends and all the right faces, yeah, we're going down." I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. I've never been in a situation where I thought, "All the right friends and all the right faces, yeah, we're going down." I can't relate, is what I'm saying. OneRepublic: Yeah, we're going down. Todd: If you say so, OneRepublic. Interlude Todd (VO): #2. Todd: Now here's a song I should've reviewed. Video for #2. 3OH!3 ft. Ke$ha - "My First Kiss" 3OH!3: My first kiss went a little like this *kiss* And twist. *kiss* And twist. Ke$ha: Well my first kiss went a little like this Todd (VO): The continued career of 3OH!3 has to be taken as a bizarre anomaly unexplainable by modern science, and because one collaboration between 3OH!3 and Ke$ha wasn't disgusting enough... Todd: why not go for two?! Todd (VO): Yeah, if the sound of these two bro-posterous fratwads making kissy noises in your ear doesn't make you retch, you have a stronger stomach than I, my friend. 3OH!3: And twist! (My worst kiss went a little like this.) And twist! Todd: Yeah, this is pretty awful. For one, it's a song bragging about their first kiss that, for the most part, is set in the present tense... 3OH!3: I got you on my lips... Todd (VO): ...indicating that 3OH!3 are currently in middle school, or they had their first kiss just now, either of which I accept as very real possibilities. Regardless, it's just about the most unattractive song 3OH!3 could have possibly made. 3OH!3: Lips like licorice, tongue like candy Excuse me miss, but can I get you out your panties? Todd: Ugh! 3OH!3: Kisses like whiskey, it gets me drunk Todd (VO): Yeah, I like how they felt the need to explain that one to us. Like we couldn't figure it out on our own. Todd: Hey, 3OH!3, your lyrics are like cheap bottom-shelf vodka—it makes me sick. 3OH!3: If I had it my way You know that I'd make her say Ooooooooooooooh Todd: Well, I'm sure you would if you had it your way. I'm sure lots of things would happen if you had it your way, but you don't... Todd (VO): ...cause you're tools and you're ugly. God forbid you ever do have it your way. If nothing else, this song confirms that 3OH!3 and Ke$ha were absolutely made for each other. Todd: I hope they settle down together in a bizarre three-person marriage that never produces any children. *kiss* Todd: Now before we get to #1, here's a few scattered observations on a few other songs which maybe weren't awful, but deserve a couple comments from me anyway. Video for Travie McCoy ft. Bruno Mars - "Billionaire" Bruno Mars: I wanna be a billionaire so fucking bad Buy all of the things I never had Todd (VO): You know, I've had my problems with Travie McCoy and his band Gym Class Heroes in the past, but listening to his big solo hit "Billionaire", I had to say that this song is simply... Todd: ...sublime. Clip of Sublime - "Santeria" Sublime: I don't practice Santeria Todd (VO): Well, it rips off Sublime, at least. Next! Video for Taylor Swift - "Mine" Taylor Swift: Oh-oh-oh Todd (VO): Oh, my God, Taylor Swift is starting to get on my nerves, especially that "oh-oh-oh" right there. I mean, that just tells you everything you need to know about what she's going to offer. It's gonna be cutesy, emotionally inert, and blandly performed. Todd: You wanna know what that "oh-oh-oh" reminds me of? Taylor Swift: Oh-oh... Clip of video for Debbie Gibson - "Only in My Dreams" Debbie Gibson: Oh! Oh! Todd (VO): Yeah, that's what I'm saying. She's 2010's Debbie Gibson. Taylor Swift: You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter. Todd (VO): Oh, by the way, the only rebellious thing she does in this song is date a college guy. As she is now college-age herself, I fail to see the rebellion in this. Video for Taio Cruz - "Dynamite" Taio Cruz: Get out the way me and my crew, crew, crew, crew I’m in the club so I’m gonna do, do, do, do Todd (VO): laughing He's...he's gonna do-do-do-do. Todd: He's gonna doo-doo. Video for B.o.B ft. Hayley Williams - "Airplanes" B.o.B: And back when I was rappin' for the hell of it But nowadays we rappin' to stay relevant Todd (VO): Aren't you supposed to wait 'til the second album before you start complaining about the pressures of stardom? Next. Video for The Band Perry - "If I Die Young" The Band Perry: If I die young, bury me in satin Todd (VO): "If I die young, bury me in s..." Jesus, country music! Emo much! Todd: Oh, God, and I complain about Taylor Swift selling crappy teen poetry. Next. Video for Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg - "California Gurls" Snoop Dogg: Tone, tan, fit and ready Turn it up cause its gettin' heavy Todd (VO): I refused to believe that Snoop Dogg actually wrote his verse for this song. What I believed happened is that they just woke him up, dragged him out of bed, tossed him in the studio, and told him to rap something. Todd: It's as good an explanation as anything. Video for Nelly - "Just a Dream" Nelly: My lover, my life, my shawty, my wife She left me... Todd (VO): Wow, Nelly's breakup song is a real tearjerker. My heart just breaks every time he goes, "Uh! Uh! Uh! Hey!" Nelly: Uh! Uh! Uh! Video for Maroon 5 - "Misery" Todd (VO): In the video for "Misery", Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine gets the living crud kicked out of him by a girl over and over again. And the amazing thing is, the more you watch the video, the more you want him to get the crap beat out of him. Look at that guy. Somebody please run over him with a car. does run over him with a car Thank you. Todd: Okay, let's finish this. Interlude Todd (VO) #1. Video for Ke$ha - "Tik Tok" Ke$ha: I'm Ke$ha, and this is "Tik Tok" Todd: Hi, Ke$ha. Todd (VO): Yes, once again, it all comes back down to Ke$ha. I reviewed Ke$ha's first three singles, I could not find it in me to do one more. It's possible I'll never review a Ke$ha song ever again. I'm tapped. My Ke$ha material has dried up. Ke$ha: Tik tok on the clock... Todd (VO): And it's not even that I completely hate Ke$ha. My review of "Tik Tok" had me saying more than a few complimentary things about it, and "Your Love Is My Drug" was nothing spectacular, but it wasn't offensive or anything. I probably shouldn't have even reviewed it. It's just that...she has such a noxious, offensive personality that it stains even her modest successes. Ke$ha: The party don't start 'til I walk in. Todd: Party's over, Ke$ha's here. Aw, she brought all those ugly Mick Jagger guys too. Todd (VO): But yeah, after three reviews, I had nothing left in me. Todd: But...oh, viewer...I deeply wished I had had the strength to do another because then she released her fourth single, and my brain just collapsed. Video for #1. Ke$ha - "Take It Off" Ke$ha: There's a place downtown, Where the freaks all come around. It's a hole in the wall. It's a dirty free for all. There's a place I know If you're looking for a show. Where they go hardcore And there's glitter on the floor. Todd (VO): I couldn't do it. If I tried to do a full review of this song, it would have been nothing but me screaming like Rain Man near a hot bath. Clip from ''Rain Man, with Dustin Hoffman screaming'' Ke$ha: There's a place downtown, Where the freaks all come around. Todd: Whoa, whoa, what are you saying about that? She's literally taunting you with how awful her music is. I mean, that's what that melody is. Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah It's a playground taunt. Todd (VO): When I first heard it, I thought she was taunting people for not partying as hard as she does. Now that I listen to it again though, I think it's trying to shame people for partying. If Ke$ha's music is supposedly half-parody, which I keep hearing, then that's the target of ridicule—you, for having fun. If you try and have any fun while this song is on, it will taunt you for being as shocking and vacant as Ke$ha herself. Ke$ha: Everybody breakin' bottles It's a filthy hot mess. Todd: Well, if nothing else, this song quite ably answers the question—what do you say to someone if they try to put this song on? Ke$ha: TAKE IT OFF! Right now! TAKE IT OFF! Todd: You take that off right now, or God help me, there will be bloodshed. Todd (VO): Ke$ha's such a limited personality. She shouldn't have even had four singles. She's got five now. Todd: Oh, God help us all. Let's hope for better in 2011. Closing tag song: Sara Bareilles - "King of Anything" THE END Best song I reviewed this year: "Bad Romance" Most overrated song I reviewed: "Telephone" Category:Content Category:Guides